Lupron is a go!!!

Had my PreLupron scan this morning.
Got in and the semi cute RE came in and looked at my ovaries and my ute and said all looked good.
I got a call from the IVF nurse later that went to my voicemail but she said to start my 10 units of Lupron tonight and continue until next week. And my last BCP is Sunday (my calendar says Monday so I might call to clarify)
Dr L told me when I was there that if I don't get a period between now and next Wednesday I do have to come in for the bloodwork and US and if I do I need to call Tuesday and talk to one of the nurses about my period. I already have my appt scheduled so I will wait and call Tuesday either way to make sure I need to go in!

So I took my shot today. Itty bitty little needle! It feels a little burny now and I have a bit of a headache but it might not be related at all!

Soooo in other news...
One of my coworkers (semi friend) (We chat at work etc) told me today she was getting her IUD out today. I expected it because they just bought a house etc... I am excited for her but as soon as she said she was getting it out and then just trying to see what happened she said she didn't want it to happen for a few months. I told her there were ways to make sure that didn't happen, she just laughed.

I am having a hard time being super excited for her because of some comments she has made to me before. About not understanding people who do fertility treatments and that she will never ever do meds or shots to have a baby and those people are crazy etc... obviously she does not know what I am going through but still unless you know what someone is going through you should just not say anything.

Each time I just respond with "you never know what you will be willing to do until you are in the place where you have to make the decision" Thinking maybe she would get a hint that the reason I have no children yet is because we are having problems but life and the world revolve around her so of course she didn't get it! I really honestly hope she has an easy time and doesn't have to make the decisions I have had to make (although she has already told me she will never to treatment and will just adopt an older child)

FET Meds are here!

Ohh... so the cheapest order from Freedom to date showed up today! and the Lupron came with 14 syringes and they sent me 30 extra... I have so many syringes I could go into business... I have 20 or more left from the PIO but no needles... These are all in one syringes...

Maybe I can make crafts out of them!

Fill a stocking with them??

I just wish the progesterone came with applicators... But no I get to cram pills up there at least they are bigger than the little blue estrace pills I have to do the week before that!

Other than this nothing much is happening... I go in the morning for my US to see if I can start the lupron tomorrow. FX for no cysts so I can start and keep on schedule. I have been having pains near my ovaries off and on mostly when i cough or sneeze since ER in Oct. But it isn't bad enough I have had to mention it but I am just hoping it is nothing and they are just sore still. I mean I would still be angry after having a needle stuck into me and having my eggs sucked out only a month ago!

Stork Award

I had never heard of this until I got a message today from one of the wonderful ladies I have "met" through the Bump and IDOB on facebook. Annie you are a wonderful person this was so sweet of you!
I am so glad I have all these ladies to share this journey with because only a couple people in my real life know and they are not going through it so they just don't understand. It is so nice to be able to talk to people who get how isolating this whole process can be!

So I am going to just copy and paste from Annie's blog You can read more about the Stork Award and how it stared here.

Here's how The Stork Award works: 
1. Add the avatar for the award in your blog post
2. Link to the blog that nominated you 
3. Answer the ten questions given to you
4. Nominate other bloggers. 
5. Ask your nominees their ten questions. 
6. Let your nominees know they've been awarded. 
7. Put the award icon on your side bar if so inclined. 

So my 10 questions from Annie are:

1. What three words best describe you? Loyal, Stubborn, caring
2. If you had to move to and live in a foreign country for 5 years, which country would you choose and why? Austria, my mom was born in Austria and that is where my grandparents are from so I would love to go and learn where I come from.
3. What's the last good book that you read? I read a lot! The latest one I gave 5 stars to on Goodreads is The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton. It was a really good book and I will read it again.
4. What are some of your hobbies? Scrapbooking, being crafty, reading, kayaking
5. Are you more of an introvert or extrovert? I am sort of in between. Depending on the situation I will be either. But I guess I tend to stay more to myself.
6. What's your favorite time of the year? Fall and Spring. I love the seasons changing!
7. If you could learn to do anything, what would it be?  I would love to be musical. I used to play the piano and would love to play again.
8. Would you rather go on a backpacking/camping trip or relax at a comfy resort? 1,000,000% camping and backpacking. I love being outside and hiking and camping and am very bummed we only went once this past year.
9. Do you have a favorite quote or is there one that means something special to you right now?

10. What are your top 3 favorite songs right now? I am kind of hooked on Imagine Dragons and some Mumford and Sons. There are others but no super favorites!

Okay Now I am supposed to nominate people! This will be hard!
One is for sure going to be Celeste. She is so supportive to everyone no matter what she is going through. <3 you Celeste! http://runninganddreamingfortwo.blogspot.com/
And the other has to be Lindsay, like Celeste she is always so supportive even when she got bad news after her last IVF Cycle. Lindsay you are so strong and I am glad I am getting to know you! http://livingtheinfertilelife.blogspot.com/ 

Now the harder part, coming up with 10 questions!
1. What is your Favorite quote?
2. Do you have any secret talents? Or if not what would you want to be a secret talent?
3. What is your favorite sound?
4. What is your favorite time of year?
5. If you could paint a picture of any scenery you’ve seen before, what would you paint?
6. What is a good book you have read recently?
7. What is the first thing you bought with your own money?
8. What is one story your family loves to tell about you?
9. If you had 30 minutes of free time what would you do?
10. What did you want to be when you grew up?

FET cycle starts....

Tonight!!!

We had our wtf appt with Dr S today.

I teared up when she came in and looked like she was going to cry and said "I am so, so sorry" 

She said it was a great cycle, I responded really well and we got some great quality embryos. But unfortunately the odds came into play. She can't explain what happened but she would not change anything that happened during the cycle because it went so well. But that we had one very high quality blast frozen that she highly recommended us using.
 

She asked how we were feeling and what our thoughts were for moving forward. I told her we wanted to cycle again as soon as possible and explained the taxes and stuff. So she went to talk to one of the IVF nurses to see what we could do. FET or fresh before the end of the year.
 

She said that their current success rates with FET were 20%. E said eventually the odds needed to turn in our favor and she agreed.

So we waited, and waited and finally K the IVF nurse came in. She had been making a calendar for me! No time for a fresh cycle but we can fit a FET in! So I start BCPs tonight! lupron next week! And if all goes well transfer will be Dec 20th with beta Dec 29!!! Normally they IVF team meets on Mondays to review cases and build calendars etc. But they decided to get me in there ASAP and not wait until Monday to find out if I could cycle again this year!

Holy crap!

I also made Dr S look at the lovely rash I have on my butt... she said it looks like it is right where the PIO shots were but that it doesn't look like an allergic reaction to it more of a dermatitis. She said to keep putting hydrocortisone on it and wait it out... The nurse said that she has heard of that happening if not all the PIO goes into the muscle and some of it is sub-q there can be a reaction. But they are not giving me PIO this cycle because of the rash. So yay for no PIO but booo for progesterone suppositories!

Thoughts about the WTF appt...

Sooo.... the WTF is less than a week away... Thoughts are flowing in my head... too bad E is OOT so I can't bounce these thoughts off him.
Originally I thought I would just do a FET cycle spend like $3-4000 and put off doing another fresh IVF cycle until Spring....
Well... Then after thinking about how we are already claiming so much for medical on our taxes this year we would be able to claim the entire $20k for a fresh cycle on the taxes (or whatever portion we have paid by Dec 31, so meds and the $8,901 for the ER)...
it kind of seems silly not to take advantage of that since who knows how the deduction will change by next year...
But I don't want to become a psycho bitch on all those meds again and see what happens with the FET... but saving money is also a good thing, but sooo many shots again...
ARGH... I guess we really do just need to wait and see what Dr S has to say.

I am hoping she will answer the following questions for me (us):

What went wrong? and Why? Does she have any thoughts on that?
Were all the eggs fertilized with ICSI, I think that is what the embryologist told me but don't remember.
Are there any additional tests that she thinks need to be done?
Any supplements besides our vitamins we should be taking?
Does she think we should do a fresh cycle or FET?
If we do a fresh cycle would she change the protocol?
What are success rates for my age for FET vs Fresh, 3dt vs 5dt? (I have seen it online but want to know her opinion)

I think I am going crazy... Or am I?

I am losing my mind! Maybe...

So I woke up around 5 this morning in tears after having a very vivid dream.

In my dream my grandpa who passed away 10 years ago was with me telling me that this IVF didn't work because those were not the right embryos. But that the one we have frozen is the right one.

Obviously I am very hopeful that this Little Penguin is the one for us and maybe that triggered the dream. But it felt so real like my grandpa who I still miss every day was sitting in the room with me.

I keep going back to the dream. Please Grandpa don't be wrong. I love and miss you!

Complete and utter devastation

I keep waiting for it to completely sink in that this is over.
No more false hope can be created for this cycle.
One of the doctors called around 4 that she had been calling the lab every hour all day to get my results and she was so upbeat and happy. My blood was just being processed and she would have the answer within the hour.
So the phone rang just before 5 and I answered and I could tell instantly by her tone that it was negative. She is the sweetest and is the one who did all my US this whole cycle and was there on transfer day. She kept asking if I needed anything and said I could call back and any time if I needed to talk to her.  I am to stop all pills tonight and just wait for AF to show...

E is devastated, he was so hopeful. He has been moping around the house since the call and wants to cuddle etc, I would rather be left alone to process. We are just different in that way.

Our WTF appt is Nov 19 to see what we should do next. Probably a FET cycle and see what happens with our one little penguin. But I guess we will see what Dr Smith says. I told E he has to come to that appt with me to listen.

Waiting....

Had my blood drawn at 8:15.... it is now 10:23...
I am not a patient person....
This is driving me crazy!!
JUST CALL ME ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow is the day....

Yes or no? It will be a long day waiting for the call...
I plan on going right at 8 for the blood draw... then however long it takes for the hospital to process because it is the weekend and then for the nurse to call...

Really... People, stop with the stories you think will cheer me up..

One of my coworkers who I love dearly and have shared this whole drama filled journey with emailed me today to see how I was doing...

I told her mentally I am not in a good place right now but am managing. She has me in tears at my desk. She is so sweet and told me she is praying for me every day.
 

But then decides to tell me about her aunt who did ivf etc and gave up and adopted 2 girls and BAM she was pregnant.  And that as soon as we stop trying is when we will get pregnant. To go on a romantic vacation and get drunk and BAM I will come home pregnant.
 

I know she doesnt know anything about infertility so I know she doesnt know what she is saying doesnt help, and is a little painful. But it is hurting me today.

I am trying to be nice in my email responses but finally just wrote back in 30 months we have just tried not trying, getting drunk and trying and gone on vacation and tried and nothing has worked. This literally is all our eggs in one basket (and one in the freezer) 

Still hopeful? or losing hope?

I have been trying to hard to stay positive through this whole cycle. That is is it for us. This is the last boost we needed to finally add to our family.... So far this year we have spent $20k OOP on infertility treatments and that doesn't count all the monitoring from this IVF cycle that has not gone through insurance yet, so might be another $2-3k in there... I really think that if this doesn't work I am willing to do a FET with our frostie but then I think I am done, we might just have to live child free... God it hurts to even type those words.

And right after the ER and the first couple days after transfer I was feeling hopeful enough to go on Pinterest and look at cute nurseries and stuff, there are some super cute ideas out there.

Then starting Monday my train of thought has been derailed. I have just started to be negative. I am preparing myself for the worst on Saturday but trying to hope for the best...

Yesterday 7 days after my 3 day transfer (or 10dpo) I decided I would take a test. They were calling me from in the bathroom... (Kris, Kris you know you want no NEED to pee on one of us) so I did. I waited that 5 minutes and looked and Nothing.... test line and stark white. I know it is still early yada yada yada.... some people don't get a positive until way later...

Now I am thinking that if I get a call Saturday that it is positive I will be in shock instead of being in shock that it is negative. I will still be devastated if it is negative but I am going to be sort of prepared. I might test Saturday morning or Friday just so I know but I don't know.

Tonight E was asking when we would find out, I have not told him I took a test he has been super positive that all the PIO shots are for the baby etc... so I told him Saturday they are taking blood and we would get a call. I think it became real for him he stared and went okay then...

I also felt silly on Tuesday because I had questions just to put my mind at ease. So work is doing flu shots tomorrow I wanted to know for sure that was okay, she laughed and said yes that was fine. Then I asked about exercise, I have been walking but have the Turkey Trot on Saturday if I can make it there after getting my blood drawn, I have done no jogging since transfer but wanted to know yes or no if I could jog a bit on Saturday. She told me to dress warm but no jogging. Stay low impact, walking was okay but nothing else until I get results back and then we could discuss when I could do more.

These hormones are really getting to me... my friend at work told me she thinks they are really affecting my brain right now. I agree, I don't feel like myself anymore. I don't know who I am except I am cranky and angry a lot.

6dp3dt Make my brain stop... please make it stop it is making me crazy

Not much happening... bloated and cramping... and trying to talk myself out of peeing on things....

I was incredibly moody, crabby and on the verge of tears today. All PMS symptoms, caused by the progesterone shots is my guess.... But it has been over a week of those why now???? why is it affecting me so bad now???
Work also sucked major monkey ass today... I am so over everything, it is all getting to me and I can't stand my boss or his son (mostly his son) right now. He is trying to help but knows nothing and is just fucking everything up and making more work for everyone else. One of us needs to go... and I don't see daddy firing him... too bad this is not the best time to switch jobs if this did work....

I am trying to stay positive... but also am preparing for the worst. What if on Saturday they call with the results and it is negative? All those shots, all that money for nothing... We have one frozen embryo so we could do a FET (frozen embryo transfer) which is a much cheaper cycle because it doesn't need all the monitoring and shots as a fresh cycle. But what if the embryo doesn't survive the thaw? what if that doesn't work? then what? Spend another $17k for another what if? I will be 37 in April and E 38 in March, how long is too long to try? how old is to old....
Please make my brain stop... I don't know how to make it all stop... the what ifs are going to make me crazy...

Saturday is my 10th 5k of the year, my favorite one that I have done the last 3 years... I have to get my blood draw first thing at 8 and am hoping I can make it to the park and get to the start by 9 so I can actually do it... I will just be walking since no training has happened with this lazy fat ass in a long time.

Day 6 freeze report... (finally!)

So I waited all day yesterday and no call. So I started to think I was crazy that they said they would call day 5 and maybe they said they would call day 6 and the valium made me not understand...

Anyway, today I got a call from the embryologist. We had 1 embryo make it to freeze. He said it was a very high quality 4AB blastocyst and it was frozen on day 5. They grade embryos 1-6, 6 being the best and A-C on two categories with A being the best. So a 4AB means: 4=cavity size is Expanded; A=ICM Inter cell mass=Many cells, tight together; B=TE Cells (trophectoderm)=Many Cells.  None of the others made it to a stage that they were viable for freezing.

I am a little bummed about the others but at least we have one on ice! Or one little penguin as E and I called it today. And I named it Mumble... Cuz why not give it a name! Hopefully the ones they transferred are doing well and Mumble can be a sibling in a year or two!




Not much else going on. Just waiting until the 9th for Beta day. I decided to test today to see if the HCG trigger was out of my system and it is gone. Soooooo.... if I see a line at any point from now on it is real... I did a little research and most things say about 5 days after a 3 day transfer implantation begins and somewhere around 8 days after HCG starts to enter the blood stream. So I am 3 days past my 3 day transfer (3dp3dt) now, so a few more to wait!! :) Good thing I am so patient... NOT!!!